Saturday 27 December 2008

Pursuit of happiness

Several things have caught my eye over the festive season. One was a TV programme called Secret Millionaire. Participants in this programme were all millionaires. Although they each had all the trappings of a successful life they each appeared to feel something was missing. They all visited poor communities and found projects, struggling financially, that were providing a clear service to the local people.Most if not all the projects aimed to give much needed self esteem and hope to youngsters trapped in areas rife with drugs, unemployment and crime.





One project did this by offering music equipment so that youngsters could show their talent and join up in bands. The two obvious benefits of this were keeping youngsters off the street, helping them to feel good about themselves but probably most important giving them a sense of belonging that didnt involve being a gang member.





Another project shone for me as a beacon of hope for the young people involved. A young businessman really got to know a few young people who had previously failed at school and who looked set for a life on benefits if not the proceeds of crime. He offered them work experience in his successful business empire if they passed just one GCSE. Apart from the hope and vision this gave them the important benefit of his intervention seemed to be the positive male role model he offered them.





However good a single mother is, sons often lack a positive male role model in their lives and see only rappers and gang members as men to copy.I say this, not as a middle class academic but as a mother who had two young teenage sons when their father died suddenly. Fortunately for them their father had been around for long enough in their lives to show them how a man should behave. Once he was gone though it was very hard to find someone to take them to do "men things" like sport.There is a massive role in society for good men ( or even just ordinary ones with all their faults!) to take under their wing young boys who dont have a good male in their lives.Sports managers and trainers do a great job here but many men have other skills and interests that boys would benefit from, maybe DIY or activities such as bird watching , fishing etc.





I was sad to hear again of a brave young soldier killed over Christmas and to read about the soldiers horrifically injured over the past year. But through all the grief and pain the courage, decency and comradeship of those men, as well as that of thousands of other servicemen, shone like a candle in the darkness of grief and war. The services, though sometimes criticised for being too tough, are clearly doing something right. No doubt those men were decent men before they joined the forces but the sense of belonging , the discipline and the professionalism were gained in the training and service.



I'm not one of those who would advocate bringing back National Service, as many young people are able to make useful and satisfying lives for themselves, but I think that the services should be an option that is promoted to young men who are unable to find employment and are disaffected with life. Another option that could be offered is some sort of service to the community eg helping elderly, supporting charities etc. Each of these things would improve self esteem and offer valuable life skills training.David Cameron seemed to be saying something similar recently. I hope that, if the Conservatives gain power, he will make this happen.



An article in todays Mail caught my eye written about an 86 year old lady who lived through a period of real poverty in her childhood. The surprising thing, to the author of the story, was that this lady remembered her childhood as a happy time. I wasnt so surprised because she had two good parents. Her father, though unemployed for many years, actively sought every opportunity to work, and her mother cooked satisfying meals with just a few vegetables and occasional cheap cuts of meat. From a young age she did errands to earn pocket money for small treats. When she left school at 14 she was happy to be able to give her mother 10 shillings of her 12/6. She recalled it with pride.



That self pride is one of the keys to happiness.It is what the Secret Millionaires gained from helping others.All the money they owned would not have made them as happy as it did when they shared it with others less fortunate. It is what we give to young people when we help them to excel at something. I was very lucky to get lots of presents from my family this Christmas but none gave me more pleasure than standing beside my little grandson in church and hearing him sing out the carols or watching my grandaughter perform in their infant play. My pride in my grandchildren and my two sons, who have grown into lovely men despite their early loss of their father, makes me feel very happy and fulfilled. They say pride is a sin but , if that includes a mother's pride in her children, then I'm very bad.



An article about Bill Gates, the multi millionaire told how he and his wife have been touched to tears by the plight of the worlds hungry and , through his multi billion pound foundation are finding satisfaction and happiness from spending their fortune helping others. They could have sat back in the fabulous mansion and been really miserable, because money really doesnt buy happiness unless you share it with others.



Another journalist, in the Mail today wrote about the number of people, in one small area, living on benefits, mostly incapacity benefit. Although the money received by its inhabitants on benefits pays for luxuries that the 86 year old lady I referred to earlier could barely have dreamed of, the families have no satisfaction of knowing that they are contributing to society in any way. The example they are setting to their children means that it is likely they too will be a drain on the public purse. Many of those on incapacity could do some work. If they felt they would be far better off they might be motivated to find work despite their physical or mental difficulties. Whilst they can live in a warm home with plenty of nice food and a huge screen TV they will not be motivated to even try to look for work. I am glad to hear that the government are encouraging people to get off incapacity benefit where possible. No-one would want to go back to the bad old days when children were cold and hungry but, in this country, our generous benefit system gives nobody the motivation to want to make themselves well enough to work.



I am lucky. I am a very happy person. OK I had to leave my work because of disability but I dont live on benefits because myself and my late husband paid in to pension funds when we were working for most of our lives. I have quite a bit of pain but them who doesnt as we get older? I dont have a lot of money but I am so much luckier than half the mothers in this world who dont have enough food for their children or the freedom to live without fear of war or torture.What makes me feel happiest though is when I am able to help others. I'm not a secret millionaire but I can feel good about helping charities in my own small way.We all can. Even those living in poor communities on benefits can volunteer to help others. Not only would they get satisfaction and self esteem from doing so but they would be giving a good example to their children.



If I could pass on one piece of knowledge I have gained in my life it is that self esteem is the key to happiness and helping others is a major contribution to self esteem.

It seems that, with the economic problems and recession we are in, 2009 is going to be harder for many. Some people will be forced to make big changes in their lives but it is not all negative. It seems that ,in hard times like those in the 1920's, communities work together and people look out for each other.The same happens to men fighting in war zones.

My wish then for people in 2009 is that they will find a sense of belonging, satisfaction in making the best of a difficult situation, and self esteem from helping others less fortunate.

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